What does rope have to do with it?
In the living room part of our ‘great room’ we have two reclining chairs, one for me and one for my partner. Between those two chairs we have a glass-topped end table that is stacked with a number of essentials– three remotes, two pairs of glasses in cases, a diverse range of magazines, a couple of books, phones, iPads, a Kleenex box. It’s a catch-all. And it doesn’t stop there. The collection continues beneath the surface.
Under the table on my side, I have a relatively large straw basket that is filled with a dozen or so books (most of them partially read), a number of magazines, several catalogues, a deck of playing cards, a rolling foot massager, and….a piece of rope.
The rope looks almost exactly like the one in the picture above, except it’s shorter and it has a wrap of black electrical tape on each end to keep it from fraying.
The rope is for practicing tying knots.
Why knot tying? Because we have a small fishing boat and a couple of kayaks.
Knot tying is, in my humble opinion, an essential skill for a boater. It comes in handy when you’re tying up to a dock or attaching fenders to the side of the boat, or towing another boat, tying off the anchor or joining two pieces of rope together, or securing kayaks to the roof of the car. It’s important to know which knot to use, when…and to be able to tie (or untie) it quickly and correctly in the moment. And I’m not very good at it. I have to consciously practice, over and over again, every season.
Practice and evolution
The same is true when it comes to managing the ‘curse’ side of my competence. I have to practice the same skills over and over again so that I can be in the world the way I want to be. The way I choose to be….in the moment, when I need it.
There is no shortage of opportunities to remind me that I need to continue to practice. This is an evolution, a lifelong effort…not a quick-fix, one-and-done endeavor.
This is where the three L’s come in—leveraging our strengths, lightening the load, leading in the change. Each of these are like the individual strands of the rope, braided together to provide strength and flexibility, softness and endurance. They wrap around everything we do in becoming better versions of ourselves.
Leveraging Our Strengths
We all have our unique gifts and strengths. I know that might sound a bit clichéd, but it’s true. And as we spend more time digging deep into discovering what they are, we can focus on how to put them to good use instead of swirling in some version of an ‘imposter syndrome’ and second-guessing our worthiness. It’s likely that you’ll need some help to figure out what are your greatest strengths. If you’re like most of the rest of us, you take them for granted, either assuming everyone has them or that they aren’t particularly valuable. We recommend that you ask people you trust…and then believe them when they tell you what they are! That opens up the opportunity for you to enjoy the exploration and experimentation of how to put them into even better use.
Lightening the Load
What burdens we can carry! One of the hallmarks of us competently cursed women is that we over-function…striving for perfection, knowing in our heads that it isn’t possible, but still berating ourselves when we don’t achieve it. It can turn into an endless cycle of being disappointed in ourselves and losing trust in our ability to change. And, as I imagine you know, we aren’t the only ones who suffer at the altar of our impossibly high expectations. Our kids, our partners, our friends, our team members. No one is safe! I think of those expectations like big rocks in a backpack that we carry around with us wherever we go. Just imagine the lightness of removing some of those big rocks and leaving them behind. And what about actually taking off that backpack every now again? Imagine that feeling!
Leading in the Change
We are fond of saying that this work is about us…and…it isn’t about us. It is bigger than us. Our purposeful evolution through this thing we call the curse of the competent woman® is meant to help us be happier and healthier people, but it doesn’t stop there. Every competently cursed woman we know is a leader. Either because she chose that path or others chose it for her. And every competently cursed woman we know has a passion for making the world better in some way. What happens as we get more grounded in who we are and more present in our relationships in emotionally intelligent ways, we become more powerful and inspiring leaders…almost by default.
A Personal Example
One of the areas with which I continue to wrestle is the balance between taking up space in a conversation and holding back to create space for others. It’s often hard for me to figure out when it’s best to reign myself in and when it’s best to actively contribute.
So here’s how I wrap the strands of the 3L’s around this issue—
- Leveraging strengths–When I pay attention, I know that I have good skill in listening deeply, discerning underlying messages, and identifying where there is alignment around common themes in a conversation. I’m also good at encouraging the quiet voices to contribute more fully, and to synthesize what has been said by others.
- Lightening the load—Reminding myself that many paths can lead to the same outcome invites me to be curious about what are other paths that haven’t occurred to me. I think of it like a treasure hunt. This helps me loosen my grip on needing to be ‘useful’ or be recognized for my brilliance…both driven by my ego. I can use my strengths, listed above, to not have to be smart, have the answer, or solve the problem. It’s a lot more enjoyable to not feel like I (have to) carry the world on my shoulders.
- Leading in the change—More than being seen as brilliant, my heart and soul are fed by watching the dynamic when people are truly co-creating. That is what I want to help create. I do that when I stick with my strengths, hang back a bit more, and then notice when my contribution could help support the co-creation of a direction rather than tossing out (and then defending) my own solution. I want to lead in a way that inspires that kind of energy and enables others to be their best selves.
So…I have my piece of rope, staring at me every day through the glass tabletop…reminding me not only to practice, practice, practice, but to braid together the three L’s in the process. My aspiration is to be more like the rope…stronger and more flexible, softer and more enduring.
I wonder, what is your reminder!?
